Birthday
by mikebreslau
Summary: Book 5 of the KMT Trilogy. An antidote to angst. Keiichi is one million years old today, and that calls for a super party! Mega crossover, much Star Trek, feel good fluff.
1. Enterprise

Birthday

An Oh My Goddess multi-crossover fanfic by Mike Breslau

Warning: this is Book Five of the KMT trilogy. If that makes no sense, stop reading right now and read "Keiichi's Magic Trick," "Megumi No Megami," and "The Lord of Benevolence" first.

Obligatory Disclaimer: Many characters appear in this story. Some are real persons, many are fictional, and a few are both. Those characters who are copyrighted are the rightful property of their respective copyright owners and are used without permission, but with gratitude. No infringement of the legal rights of other persons or corporations is intended.

The appearance of any character in this story is intended as an honor, a tribute to the enjoyment they have given me; no disrespect is intended. If you are offended because you or your characters do not appear in this story, send me a review and I will try to write you in. On the other hand, if you want any characters removed from this story, contact me and I will take them out--but I will be very disappointed with you.

In this fanfic, _this represents emphasis_ and this is telepathy.

With that out of the way, ON WITH THE SHOW!

Chapter 1 - Enterprise

* * *

What could he give to the one man in the universe who had everything already? That was the problem Terrben, the God of Surprises, had been burdened with. Keiichi would be having an important birthday next week and the other family members had appointed Terrben to select a suitable birthday present.

"After all," Megumi had asked, "who could be more creative or imaginative than the God of Surprises?"

Keiichi could, of course, but they couldn't ask him to select his own present. The assignment was a difficult one. Keiichi could already have, be, or do anything that the mind of god or mortal could conceive of. What could he give to the one man in the universe who had everything already?

* * *

Uhura turned away from her console looking puzzled. "Captain, we're being hailed, but I can't locate the source of the signal."

Spock raised one eyebrow slightly and added, "There are no ships or planets within sensor range, Captain."

James T. Kirk sighed. Why did these things always happen to him? "On screen."

On the main screen the image of passing stars was replaced by a view of a large room containing two men. The room might have been constructed of white marble, but the material sparkled and glowed unlike any substance Kirk was familiar with.

"This is Captain Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise."

The taller of the two figures answered. "I am Terrben, and my companion is known as Sensei. We request permission to come aboard your ship for a couple of hours, that is if you don't mind, Captain."

"May I ask the purpose of your visit?" inquired Kirk.

"Our purpose is purely social, Captain. We're travelers, just passing through. Our current location and our final destination are outside your universe. Normally, we'd not linger in your vicinity, but I felt we'd all enjoy a few hours of conversation. If it's the least inconvenient for you, we'll go elsewhere with no hard feelings."

Kirk thought, "They seem polite enough. This has been a boring voyage so far, perhaps a visit would liven things up." He smiled and replied, "Permission granted. When can we expect you to arrive?"

"Right now, Captain."

The two figures rose into the air and flew out of the viewscreen, then touched down gracefully in the center of the bridge. Behind them the image of the sparkling room faded away, to be replaced by the usual view of passing stars.

Kirk said, "You certainly know how to make an impressive entrance. How did you do that?"

The shorter of the two visitors looked around the bridge with obvious delight.  
The taller visitor smiled and replied, "My mother Urd used to travel like that all the time, before Sensei taught her a better way to teleport. Perhaps formal introductions are in order. I am Terrben, the God of Surprises. This is my father, Sensei, the Tutor of the Gods."

Kirk had encountered godlike beings before, including one who called himself Apollo. These encounters had usually been unpleasant. He wasn't pleased at the prospect of dealing with two more of them. "The God of Surprises" sounded particularly ominous--Kirk didn't like surprises.

Sensei seemed to have picked up the thought. He said, "Relax, Captain, we mean you no harm. You've nothing to fear from us. We have our own version of your Prime Directive. Terrben only arranges unpleasant surprises for those who truly deserve them."

Kirk felt somewhat relieved. He looked at his guests and noticed something unusual. He asked, "Sensei, Terrben referred to you as his father. Why do you look younger than him?"

"Terrben is a god, and gods stop aging when they reach maturity. I became immortal when I was in my late teens, and I've never bothered to grow up because I couldn't see any advantage to it."

Sulu asked, "Excuse me, Sir, but is Sensei your name or your title?"

"My birth name is Morisato Keiichi, but nearly everyone calls me Sensei because I'm the teacher and advisor of the gods. I've gotten used to it."

Sulu's suspicion was confirmed. "That's a Japanese name. I never expected to meet a god named Keiichi."

"Strictly speaking, I'm not a god. I'm just a nice Japanese boy with a remarkable destiny. You're sharp, Mr. Sulu."

Kirk asked, "Well, what would you gentlemen like to do now?"

Terrben replied, "I think we'd like to tour your ship and meet your crew, if that's possible."

Sensei added, "Could we start with Engineering?"

Kirk nodded. "Certainly. Follow me please," and he led the way to the turbolift.

* * *

Kirk made the introductions. "Gentlemen, this is our Chief Engineer, Montgomery Scott. Scotty, this is Terrben, the God of Surprises, and his father Sensei, the Tutor of the Gods."

Scotty was impressed. "Why do we have such important visitors today, Captain?"

"We were just passing through, and we stopped by to make small talk," answered Terrben.

Sensei looked around with great interest. "This is really wonderful. You keep this place quite shipshape, Scotty."

"Thank you, Sir. I try my best."

Keiichi looked nostalgic. "I originally wanted to be an engineer but my life turned out quite differently.

"You wanted to be an engineer?"

"Yes, I even have a degree in Mechanical Engineering from NIT. I graduated near the end of the twentieth century. I rarely get to do engineering now, but I can't complain. I enjoy being a tutor."

Scotty thought for a moment. NIT? Late twentieth century? "Did you ever meet Professor Fujiwara?" he asked in the same tone of voice he would have used for "Einstein."

Sensei laughed. "Meet him? He was one of my first pupils. He was a wonderful fellow."

Scotty looked awed. "You taught Fujiwara?"

"No big deal. I didn't teach him much; I only helped him out a few times when he got really stuck. Professor Fujiwara deserves all the credit for the work that he did."

"You only helped him out when he got really stuck," Scotty echoed slowly. Scotty was obviously more impressed by meeting Fujiwara's advisor than he was by meeting the Tutor of the Gods. Some people have strange priorities. Kirk was amused by Scotty's reaction.

"Sensei, can ye tell me if we'll ever be able to keep the dilithium crystals from degrading under stress?" asked Scotty eagerly.

"Yes, it can be done, but I mustn't tell you how. You'll figure it out soon enough."

Mr. Scott looked disappointed. What he didn't realize was that he, Montgomery Scott, would have the critical idea in about twenty year's time.

* * *

When they reached Sick Bay, Kirk introduced them to the ship's doctor. "Bones, these are our guests, Terrben and Sensei. Gentlemen, our doctor, Leonard McCoy."

McCoy shook hands with the strangers and greeted them gruffly. "Are you here for business or pleasure, gentlemen? You both look healthy enough to me."

Terrben smiled and replied, "Strictly pleasure, Doctor. We can't become sick or injured, so we've no need of your professional services."

McCoy muttered, half in jest, "I hope that isn't contagious, or I'd be out of a job." Then he added, "Those are interesting tattoos you have, Mr. Terrben. Are they some sort of religious or caste marking?"

"A little bit of both, Bones. The markings signify that I'm a Star class god--the God of Surprises, in fact. I might add that they're not tattoos, but a functional organ."

"Jim, why do you do this to me? I'm a doctor, not a priest." Turning back to Terrben, McCoy continued, "This is a little outside my field, but do you mind if I examine that organ?" His curiosity was aroused.

"You're welcome to try, Doctor, but I doubt that you'll get any meaningful results."

McCoy tried his compact medical scanner. Instead of its customary soft chatter, the scanner emitted a shrill beep of distress.

"What the heck? It's never done that before..."

The medical tricorder was no more successful. It registered its mechanical unhappiness in no uncertain terms. McCoy gave up.

Sensei explained, "I'm afraid you can't examine Terrben, Bones. His body contains enormous power and it overloads your instruments. Fortunately, they're undamaged. If it's any consolation, you can examine me because I carry my energy externally."

"You sound as if you want me to examine you, young man."

"Actually, I'd be delighted. I think you'll find it interesting," replied Keiichi with a smile.

"Well then, would you lie down on this table?"

Keiichi rose into the air and floated over to the table, then settled down onto it. McCoy paused in surprise, but said nothing, and began his examination. This time all of his instruments worked perfectly. Keiichi seemed to be enjoying the experience.

McCoy shook his head and said, "This makes no sense at all. You appear to be a normal human, yet I keep getting paradoxical readings. Depending on which test I use, you're either 18 years old, 330 years old, or a million years old."

Keiichi was amused. "Excellent work, Doctor. I became immortal when I was eighteen years old and stopped aging then. I was born about 330 years ago. We're celebrating my birthday today, because I've lived for exactly one million years."

McCoy blinked in astonishment. "Congratulations! Are they going to have a cake large enough to hold a million candles? Will the Fire Department permit it?"

"I really don't know, Bones. It's going to be a surprise."

Terrben smiled. The rest of the family was arranging for the party. It was certain to be spectacular.

* * *

When the tour was over the principals settled comfortably in a lounge area.

"Can I offer you any refreshments?" asked Kirk politely.

"Allow me do the honors," Keiichi replied. A mug of orange colored liquid appeared before everyone except Scotty, who got a small glass of clear amber fluid.

"I see you've no use for food replicators," observed Bones dryly.

Kirk sipped his drink and exclaimed, "This is wonderful!"

Spock hesitated.

"It's Okay, Spock, it's a mixture of fruit juices," offered Terrben.

Keiichi added, "It contains everything needed to sustain human or Vulcan life. You could live on it if you wanted to."

Spock tasted his drink. "Remarkably good taste."

Scotty had carefully sniffed his drink and smiled. Now he sipped it and beamed. "I've must've died and gone to heaven."

"We do eat and drink well in Asgard," replied Terrben, "We've had eons in which to perfect our recipes."

"Could I have your recipe?" asked Kirk, who was clearly impressed by the taste.

"No problem," said Keiichi, "It's filed in your replicators under 'Nectar of the Gods.'" Terrben looked at him sternly. "It's alright, Son, a recipe for a fruit juice blend won't alter their destiny significantly."

"You guys seem to be pretty careful," noted Scotty.

"With power comes responsibility. Kirk would understand," said Keiichi. He grew reflective and continued softly, "Actually, Captain Kirk and I have a lot in common. That's one reason why I've enjoyed my visit here so much. Kirk has a crew of about 400 men and women. I have a staff of about 1,000 gods and demons. Kirk commands a Starship, a self-contained world surrounded by a great void, and his job is to get if safely to its destination. My job is to guide the entire universe safely from the past to the future."

There was a minute of stunned silence. Terrben wore a "now you've done it" expression.

Kirk pointed a finger at Keiichi and asked, "Do you mean to sit there and tell me that _you_ are the Supreme Being?"

Terrben nodded enthusiastically. Keiichi shook his head and tried to clarify a complex situation. "Well, yes and no. If you're thinking of the Creator, whom we call Kami-sama, then in your era He's still in charge and running the show. In my era, thousands of years in your future, Kami-sama has shifted most of his responsibilities onto me and has gone into semi-retirement. Think of him as Our Founder and Chairman of the Bored, while I've become the CEO. I'm sorry if you were expecting someone taller or more imposing. It's a _job_, Kirk, just like being a Starship Captain is a job."

Kirk tried to absorb this. "Why?"

"Captain, would you want to be responsible for running the entire universe for sixteen billion years?"

Kirk looked pale. "Of course not, but I'm only human."

"To some extent, so am I. Kami-sama is very capable, but He's still finite. He wants to be relieved for a while so he can get on with his life. I only agreed to take the job because everyone felt I was the best-qualified person. The essential difference between our situations, Kirk, is that you wanted to be a Starship Captain, while I _never_ wanted this job. "

Terrben tried to lighten the mood. "Now you can appreciate why it's so hard to find a birthday present for Sensei."

After a moment of silence Scotty asked, "If ye don't mind my asking, can ye tell us what drives a person to create an entire universe? It seems like the ultimate feat of engineering to me."

"It's often an act of adolescent rebellion," answered Keiichi. His reputation for saying astonishing things was still intact. There were cries of disbelief from the mortals present.

Keiichi continued, "Consider an analogy: a teen-aged girl who becomes a mother to prove that she's an adult, or because she wants someone who's sure to love her. When the baby's born she discovers that it needs a lot of care and attention all the time. If the mother acts maturely enough to raise the kid, then she becomes an adult, otherwise she may abuse or abandon her offspring. It's the same with some universe creators. You guys are lucky because Kami-sama designed his universe well and acted responsibly toward it. We've had to clean up or tear down a few abandoned universes."

Before anyone could answer, the ship's alarm interrupted. "OOOEEEOOO. Red Alert. Captain Kirk to the bridge."

Kirk stood up hastily.

Terrben offered, "Want a lift?"

Kirk understood the offer. "Yes."

* * *

An instant later everyone was at his or her battle station and the two visitors were on the bridge.

"Captain, you startled me," said Chekhov.

"Startled me too," muttered Kirk. A glance at the screen showed the cause of the alarm--the Enterprise was surrounded by four large Romulan warbirds.

Chekhov explained, "They just uncloaked a moment ago, Captain."

"Their latest heavy cruisers. We're englobed and outgunned. This looks bad," Kirk realized. "Shields up," he said.

Keiichi turned to Terrben. "I thought you assured me that there were no hostile craft anywhere near us."

"No, I didn't say that," replied Terrben with a mischievous grin. "I said that there were no _Klingons_ within two day's flight of the Enterprise. These Romulans aren't a threat, and there are only four of them."

Keiichi realized what Terrben was implying. He smiled and addressed Kirk. "Captain, I believe my son has arranged some 'entertainment' for us. I suggest that we relax and enjoy the show. I assure you that no harm will come to your ship or your crew."

Kirk was momentarily in turmoil. Terrben had placed him in a life-threatening situation for "entertainment," but Sensei has assured him that he was perfectly safe. His instincts had made him wary of the God of Surprises, yet he trusted Sensei completely. Kirk decided to go along with his trust. After all, the Supreme Being had just assured him that he was under divine protection. Considering how strange this situation already was, how much weirder could it get?

Uhura announced, "Captain, we're being hailed."

"On screen," replied Kirk.

The image of a Romulan Commander appeared. "Rokken here. Ah, Captain Kirk--what a pleasant surprise. Will you surrender now, or shall I have the pleasure of destroying you?"

Terrben projected a thought to Kirk. Captain, may I offer a suggestion? followed by a mental image.

Kirk had experienced telepathy before, so he wasn't too startled. He liked the suggestion and decided to play along. He stood and faced Rokken, then raised his hands palms forward alongside his head. Placing his thumbs near his ears, Kirk wiggled his fingers, stuck out his tongue, and made a rude noise. He sat down with a big grin.

The gesture was unfamiliar to Rokken, but its meaning was clear. "Very well then. Fire!" he ordered.

On four Romulan warbirds triggers were depressed simultaneously. Mighty engines of destruction roared into action spewing forth powerful beams of... brightly colored sparkles and streamers which burst into globular clusters of sparks. Red, blue, yellow, and white displays were everywhere, and festive percussive pops could be clearly heard despite the vacuum of space. It was all very pretty, and quite unexpected.

"Fireworks in outer space?" exclaimed Kirk. "How's it possible?" Then he remembered who was probably responsible.

"It _is_ my birthday," observed Keiichi dryly, "Fireworks are entirely appropriate."

Rokken was incredulous and angry. He ordered, "Launch torpedoes."

The photon torpedoes were hardly clear of their launch tubes when they burst. Space near the Romulan ships was filled with party supplies: popcorn, balloons, paper hats, cupcakes, confetti, streamers, and similar essentials were everywhere.

Keiichi casually elongated his arm and reached into the viewscreen and retrieved a bucket of popcorn. He sampled a handful and then offered the bucket to Kirk. "Want some? It's good." The bucket was passed around the bridge, and everyone had a taste. It was indeed very good popcorn.

"Sensei was right, I am enjoying this," thought Kirk.

On the bridge of the Enterprise the viewscreen divided into four quadrants, with the bridge of each Romulan ship visible in a different section of the screen.

"I didn't know we could do that," Kirk whispered to Uhura.

"We can't, Captain," she replied quietly.

Rokken was very upset. "What's the meaning of this?" he thundered.

An unfamiliar voice behind him calmly answered, "It means that your career has just had a serious setback, Rokken."

Rokken turned around and saw a stranger on his bridge. "Who are you?"

"I am Terrben, the God of Surprises, and you have been a naughty boy, Rokken. You've disobeyed your superior's orders and brought your ships into Federation space. Now I'm entitled to arrange a nasty surprise for you, just as soon as I think of a suitable punishment to fit your crime." Terrben's smile suggested an unpleasant future for his victim.

Aboard the Enterprise, Kirk looked around. Terrben was still standing nearby, yet an image of him could be seen in each of the Romulan ships. "Is that you on all those ships?" he asked the local Terrben.

"Yes, Captain. Sensei taught us how to be in more than one place at a time. It's a very convenient ability."

"It certainly is," thought Kirk.

On another of the Romulan ships the Captain had a Klingon temper. "Kill him!" he ordered. Four crewmen drew their sidearms and fired. Terrben ignored the destructive beams long enough to make it clear that they were having no effect at all on him.

Aboard the Enterprise Kirk asked, "Doesn't that hurt?"

Terrben replied, "Captain, you're talking to a god who once ate an entire Class I supernova for lunch. Of course they can't hurt me."

"Really?" asked Kirk, quite surprised, "How was it?"

"Tasty but unsatisfying, Jim. An hour later I was hungry again." He smiled.

Kirk turned to Keiichi. "He _is_ kidding, isn't he?"

"Terrben never lies, but he delights in misleading with true statements."

On the Romulan ship Terrben decided that it was time to act. "You might hurt somebody with those toys if you're not careful. I don't think you should be trusted with them."

The handguns suddenly fell silent as they were transformed into large ripe bananas. With cries of disgust the crewmen hastened to discard the yellow fruit into the disposal oubliettes. The Romulan captain held his nose and tried to wipe his eyes. It's a little known fact that a banana smells worse to a Romulan than an angry skunk smells to a human.

Terrben grinned evilly. "Now I know what to do with you," he announced. There was a brief flash of blue light. The main viewscreen on the Enterprise reverted to its normal view of passing stars. Terrben looked pleased with himself.

"There's no sign of the enemy wessels," Chekhov announced.

Kirk asked, "What happened to the Romulans?"

"They're unharmed, and back in the heart of Romulan space. Their ship's logs show that they've never left parking orbit. However, Rokken may have a hard time explaining the salt-and-butter stains on their hulls, or why there are banana plantations where the munitions used to be stored." Spock raised an eyebrow. Kirk had difficulty suppressing a chuckle. Terrben continued, "I visited the Romulan ships in person because I wanted them to understand that I, and not you or the Federation, was responsible for what happened to them. It would have changed destiny if they thought you had become so powerful."

Keiichi spoke up. "Captain Kirk, you've been such a gracious host that I'd like to return your hospitality. I'd like to invite you and everyone aboard this ship to my birthday party. I'll send some gods over at shift-change time to pick you up so the day and night shifts can both attend together."

"That sounds tempting," Kirk replied, "but I don't see how I can accept. We can't abandon the ship in mid-voyage to go attend a birthday party. It's against regulations."

"No problem, Captain. When anyone wishes the leave the party they'll be returned to their original location one microsecond after they left. We'll stagger the departures a millisecond apart. Technically, you'll never have more than one person at a time off the ship."

Kirk was intrigued. "You can do that? In that case, I accept."

Keiichi beamed. "Of course we can do that. We're real gods, not wannabes."

Terrben said, "We'll see you at the party Captain. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. There'll be all kinds of interesting people there. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to leave for the next destination of our trip."

"Where are we going now, Son?" asked Keiichi.

"Furnikan High School," replied Terrben with a straight face.

"Why a high school?"

"It's a surprise!" answered Terrben with a grin.

The two visitors quietly disappeared.

* * *

Author's Note:

As I wrote "We" I sympathized with my characters and felt really down. I needed to write a feel-good story as an antidote, to restore my balance. This is that story.

This is the fifth and last book in the KMT trilogy at this time. I don't expect to write more of these unless I can come up with another good story, and so far, I haven't.

Mike


	2. Party!

Birthday

An Oh My Goddess multi-crossover fanfic by Mike Breslau

Chapter 2 - Party

* * *

Captain Kirk had been at the party for only two hours, and he was still feeling a bit overwhelmed. The room had no walls--it appeared to extend, dead flat and level, to infinity in all directions. The ceiling resembled the most beautiful Aurora Borealis that Kirk could imagine. The floor looked like ice, but it wasn't cold or slippery and it sparkled slightly. Guests occupied every visible portion of the space, so it looked as if there must be an infinite number of people here.

And what strange people! Kirk was accustomed to odd-looking aliens, but some of these guests were indescribably strange. In self defense Kirk had decided to just tune out anything that was too weird for comprehension--such as that large purple-gray furry thing with the chevrons on its white belly, or the talking vine that had defeated Spock in a game of 3D chess. The various giant robots had only held his interest for a few minutes.

Kirk's wandering had brought him near the music stage. A strange-looking group of musicians was performing on what looked like wind instruments but sounded like percussion instruments. They could be clearly heard throughout the large room even though they weren't playing loudly.

"They look like the cantina scene musicians from Star Wars," Kirk muttered.

"They _are_ the cantina musicians, Captain." The speaker was a young woman with a fair complexion and fiery red hair worn afro-style. Her nametag identified her as Fieara, the Goddess of Sparks.

"I thought they fictitious, and didn't really exist," said Kirk.

"What difference does that make? We're at Sensei's birthday party," Fieara responded with a shrug and a smile.

"Hello Alice, welcome to wonderland," thought Kirk. Aloud, he asked, "Fieara, could you tell me if this place is _really_ infinite? Thinking about it makes my head buzz."

She laughed. "Actually, it's finite but unbounded, Kirk. We're in a private universe, custom-designed for the party. The room is only 190 meters square, but the east and west edges are merged and so are the north and south edges. If you travel in a straight line you'll return to near wherever you started from. It loops in time too. The beginning and ending of the party are joined. If you stayed here long enough, you'd meet an earlier version of yourself."

Kirk nodded, without really understanding. There were enough strange things here already--meeting himself would probably be entirely too weird. He observed, "There seem to be no restrooms or places to sit down, but I feel no need for either."

"In here you can't grow old, or tired, or sleepy. You can eat all day without getting full or gaining weight; you could drink to excess without getting drunk. Elimination is handled silently and continuously. Anything is possible here, as long as it feels good and hurts nobody. Let me demonstrate. Watch this!"

Fieara tossed the contents of her drink at Kirk. He uttered a cry of surprise. The liquid bounced off him as if he was covered with a nonstick surface, and then it fell to the floor where it was quietly absorbed. There wasn't a trace left behind. Her glass silently refilled itself. She smiled. "You didn't want to get wet, so you stayed dry. Don't sweat the details, Kirk, just relax and enjoy the party."

Kirk thanked Fieara and wandered on. A bemused-looking 20th century American man sauntered by holding a large drink. An eight-foot tall transparent bunny accompanied the man, and engaged him in earnest conversation. Kirk paid no attention to either of them.

Three teenagers passed him, engrossed in conversation. The younger girl asked the boy, "Darling, everybody here seems to be special or extraordinary in some way. Why do you think we were invited? There's nothing special about any of us, is there?"

A large sweatdrop appeared on the back of the young man's head. He answered, "I have no idea why, Hikaru." Turning to the older girl, he continued, "Do you know why we're here, Ayukawa?" They moved out of earshot.

Something short and furry with 24 tentacles slithered up beside Kirk. It held a tray of hors d'oeuvres in each tentacle. It presented the trays to Kirk and spoke through an orifice on the underside of its body, "Would you like something to eat, Captain?"

Kirk blinked in surprise, and then he selected some sushi and a Tritonian wiener-icicle. Naturally, the food was delicious. He spotted Scotty in earnest conversation with Fujiwara, Feynman, and a tall blond god. Kirk headed towards them.

"I prefer single malts whene'er possible, blended whiskies hae nae charracter," said Scotty, his burr becoming more prominent.

Kirk laughed to himself. Put Scotty together with some of the finest minds in the universe and what does he talk about? Kirk decided not to interrupt them and he headed away.

A vortex of blue smoke and another of yellow smoke were engaged in earnest conversation with a group of man-sized turtles who were wearing brightly-colored headbands. Some cats dressed in Samurai armor were delivering yet another load of pizza to the group. Kirk ignored them.

A young man and four girls were watching something small and improbably cute devour an enormous quantity of carrots from a self-replenishing supply on the floor. Kirk noticed that the girls were a diverse lot: a youngster with long light blue hair and a happy expression, another with bright red hair and a somewhat crazed look, a regal beauty with purple hair, and a bosomy feline with cyan hair who was hovering a foot off the floor. In contrast, the man looked ordinary enough. He was wearing a dark blue kimono and held some sort of counter in his hand.

"I counted 755 carrots per hour and still climbing," said the man, "If she keeps this up you're going to have an overweight spaceship, Ryoko."

"Don't worry, Tenchi, she can handle it," replied the floating feline.

Kirk was baffled. An overweight spaceship? He mentally shrugged and moved on.

Kirk spotted Spock in earnest conversation with another Vulcan. When he approached them, Spock introduced his new friend. "Captain Kirk, this is S'tonnk, the notable Philosopher-Bard. He claims to be descended from me after 26 generations. S'tonnk, this is James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise."

"A pleasure to meet you, Captain. Normally, I'd never get to meet my illustrious ancestor or his famous friend," said S'tonnk.

Kirk said something polite in response.

A young boy dressed in green flew by, chasing after an animated, sparkling, laughing point of light. Nobody paid them any attention.

Terrben approached the group, followed by a casually dressed American male. Kirk's mouth dropped open when he saw the stranger. Terrben grinned and introduced the newcomer. "Leonard Nimoy, this is Captain Kirk, Spock, and S'tonnk of Vulcan."

Spock and Nimoy examined each other silently for 25 seconds. With a great effort of will, Nimoy managed to remain expressionless. Then both men spoke in perfect unison: "Fascinating." Nimoy lost it then, and his face broke into a very un-Vulcan grin.

"Even their voices are similar," thought Kirk.

"I assume there is a logical explanation for this," said Spock stiffly. He seemed to think that someone was playing a joke on him.

"Indeed there is," began Nimoy.

Kirk had a sudden suspicion that this explanation was one he _didn't_ want to hear, and he began to edge away. He noticed a young woman handing out sherbet cones of various flavors. It looked ordinary enough until he noticed that she was getting the cones from a refrigerated birdcage. He couldn't decide if the things inside the cage were odd birds of various colors or flying sherbet cones...

Just then the cantina musicians finished their set and stepped down to mingle with the guests. The MC announced "Lyna and the Sagaussans," who turned out to be an all-female group of vocalists. When Lyna began to sing all conversation stopped as everyone turned to listen.

"A voice like that could change history," said Kirk after Lyna finished. He was very impressed.

"Actually, she already has changed history," someone replied.

Kirk turned and saw a woman with long wavy blond hair, dressed in a shiny black leather gown. Her badge read "Mara, the Goddess of Redemption." She continued, "Believe it or not, her destiny is linked to that fellow over there, even though thousands of years separate them."

"That fellow over there" turned out to be a young man in a dark suit who was running away from a flying green-haired girl in a tiger-striped bikini. "Darling no Baka!" screamed the oni as she zapped the young man with lightning bolts from her fingertips.

Kirk had the impression that, despite the pain, the young man was secretly enjoying the experience. Kirk decided to ignore them and he moved on.

After Lyna and the Sagaussans had vacated the stage a blue-skinned Gamillon gamelon began performing. A few of the guests began to dance to the lively music. Some men in white uniforms with a downward-pointing arrow design on their shirts gathered around the stage to watch the Gamillons. Another enthusiastic onlooker was a blue-skinned guest whose size, garb, and appearance kept changing (except for his golden armbands, which remained present).

Kirk saw a man and his wife trying to console their unhappy daughter. The man was dressed in blue tights and a red cape; the woman was wearing a garish one-piece swimsuit with a coil of golden cord hanging from the waist, while the girl was wearing a sailor-like school uniform.

"I'm sorry C-ko wasn't invited, but there are other girls your age here," said the man in tights.

The girl sniffed. "Like who?"

"How about those girls?"

Kirk glanced in the indicated direction and saw a group of sailor-suited girls around a bathtub-sized punch bowl. A black cat and a white cat were near the girls, lapping punch from bowls placed on the floor.

"In the name of the Moon, I shall drink this punch bowl dry, " declared a blond girl theatrically as she refilled her cup.

"You can't, Usagi," answered a taller girl, "Haven't you noticed that the bowl refills itself? You'd have to drink an awful lot of punch."

The black cat looked up and said, "Never underestimate Usagi's appetite."

By now Kirk was willing to consider a talking cat as perfectly normal. Judging by what he'd already seen, he might have been disappointed if the cat _didn't_ talk.

A trio of girls wearing elaborate body armor approached the punch bowl. The girl with the large round eyeglasses served punch to her two companions and them took some for herself.

Not far away Brett Handy, Christopher Angel, and Ranmira were trading war stories about granting wishes with unexpected consequences.

Kirk noticed Uhura talking to a tall man who had bat-like wings. The man's skin and wings were jet-black and iridescent, and rather attractive. Kirk headed over toward them.

"Who's your friend, Uhura?"

"Oh, Captain, this is Moloch, a First Class Demon. Moloch, this is James Kirk."

Kirk didn't think he flinched, but Moloch detected his unease anyway. Moloch extended his hand and explained, "We demons will need a long time to live down our reputations, but we're much nicer people now."

Kirk shook hands with the demon and replied, "You'll have to excuse me, but I haven't kept up with developments in the demon world. Are you related to the historical Moloch?"

"One and the same," answered the demon, inclining his head. "You are referring to an indiscretion of my youth. It was fun for a while, but I soon grew tired of it. Working with the gods for the benefit of everybody is more satisfying in the long run."

Kirk was confused. "Demons are working with the gods now?"

"Yes, we're all on the same team now. Haven't you noticed how much better things are in you own era than they were 300 years earlier?"

"I've noticed, but I always thought that was our own doing..." Jim's voice trailed off.

The demon smiled.

A prim and proper woman dressed in Edwardian garb flew by, holding onto her raised umbrella with one hand and a carpetbag with the other.

Kirk thought, "If this keeps up, _I'm_ going to try flying. Nearly everyone else is doing it..."

The Gamillon gamelon finished their set and left the stage. A large man entered the stage and after a moment began to sing. His voice was deep and full, filled with power, authority, and conviction. He obviously needed no amplifier.

"I can't believe it, they've got Paul Robeson," exclaimed Uhura in obvious delight. She began moving towards the stage, and Moloch followed her. Kirk remained in place, transfixed by the incredible sound.

"Where do they find these performers? They're terrific," he thought.

When the songs ended Kirk continued searching. On the music stage Ayukawa Madoka on saxophone, William Ricker on trombone, Piccolo on a small Bluewood flute, and Hal 9000 on symbols began improvising some jazzy riffs.

Finally, Kirk spotted Sensei surrounded by a crowd of well-wishers and started heading towards him. As he approached, the crowd seemed to part to let him through.

"Captain Kirk, glad you could make it. Come and meet my family," said Keiichi. Indicating the women on either side of him he continued, "This is my wife, the goddess Belldandy, and this is my wife, the goddess Megumi."

Kirk looked surprised. "Two wives? Are you trying to keep all the beautiful goddesses to yourself?" he asked with a smile.

Keiichi replied, "Actually, I've four wives. Skuld and Urd are out mingling with the crowd. "

"Four wives? And lots of children?"

"Only two children. Immortals have small families. You've already met Terrben, and here comes my daughter Chimelle and her husband."

Kirk looked in the indicated direction and saw the approaching couple. Chimelle was an unusually attractive goddess. Not only was she beautiful, but she had some quality that made one want to look at her. Her husband looked somewhat like an adult version of Sensei.

Chimelle ran up and embraced Keiichi. "Happy birthday, Mom. Locke and I wish you all the best, as if you needed it."

Kirk was confused. "Excuse me, Sensei, but did she just call you 'Mom'?"

"Yes, Jim, I'm her mother. I conceived, carried, birthed, and nursed her, and that makes me her mother. Of course, I had to remain female for a couple of years to do it properly. Motherhood can be very rewarding, but it's best left to the ladies. Most men aren't tough enough for the job."

"You had to remain female for a couple of years," Kirk echoed, speaking slowly. He thought, "Was nothing sacred in Heaven? Wait a minute, that's a silly question."

Keiichi understood Kirk's problem and tried to explain. "Jim, humans have usually pictured their gods as enhanced versions of themselves so that they could hope to understand us. The truth is somewhat stranger. We've a great deal in common with mortals, a few of us even used to be mortal, but there are two important differences: we live forever and we're accomplished magicians. Those two factors require us to have a lifestyle and culture quite different from those of mortals. You can't judge us by your standards nor expect to understand all about us in only a few hours. We're aliens, Jim, but we're friendly aliens. Put aside your intellectual confusion, relax, and enjoy the party. You'll have a good time if you do."

"Well, I can't argue with the advisor to the gods," responded Kirk, "I'll do my best to enjoy the show. Your friends are putting on a spectacular celebration. I'm glad you invited me."

After Kirk had left the group a stranger approached. "Keiichi, you've certainly come a long way. Congratulations," he said.

Keiichi was puzzled. "Do I know you?"

The stranger introduced himself. "Fujishima Kosuke. I drew pictures of you when you were still in college."

Keiichi searched his memory. "I'm afraid I don't remember you. Could I see some of those pictures? It might refresh my memory."

"I'm sorry, I didn't bring..." A collection of original artwork appeared in his hand. Surprised, Fujishima handed them over.

"These are manga. And beautifully drawn too," exclaimed Keiichi.

People began to examine the artwork, murmuring in amazement.

"Look, Ben, he even included you," said Belldandy.

"Ben? I didn't draw anybody named Ben," said Fujishima.

"The Lord of Benevolence, formerly the Lord of Terror," explained the gentlemen in question.

"Oh," said the artist, looking confused.

Megumi was puzzled. "How could a mortal get so many details right? I thought we were taking precautions..."

Fujishima smiled. "I know how you feel. I was quite surprised to be invited to this party."

Twenty minutes and some fascinating explanations later the artist excused himself and wandered off to mingle with the other guests.

"Did you invite him, Terrben?" asked Keiichi.

"No, I was taking care of your gift. The rest of the family arranged the party and the guest list," replied the God of Surprises.

A quick poll revealed that none of the gods or demons had invited Fujishima.

"That's odd," said Keiichi, "He couldn't be here without an invitation, yet it appears that nobody invited him."

"I invited him," said an unfamiliar voice.

Keiichi turned and saw an American male of indeterminate age with black hair and a full gray beard.

"Who are you?" asked Keiichi, "And how could you invite him?"

"I'm Mike Breslau, the author of this fanfic," replied the stranger.

"I usually dislike self-insertion fanfics," muttered Keiichi.

"So do I, which is why I'll keep this cameo appearance short. This is such a wonderful party that I just couldn't stay away. Besides, this may be my only opportunity to meet you in person."

"I never argue with the author," thought Keiichi. Aloud: "Pleased to meet you, Mike."

"Delighted to meet you too, Keiichi. Please excuse me, but if I don't wander away soon this won't be a brief appearance," said the author.

"It seems I have four fathers now: Dad, Kami-sama, Fujishima, and now Breslau," said Keiichi.

"Everyone has forefathers," were the final words of the departing author.

"Wouldn't you know it," said Megumi, "Another joker."

Elsewhere on the floor Skuld was doing something she had wanted to do for many years. "Doctor with no name, meet the doctor with no name," she said with a big grin. The Emergency Medical Hologram and the Time Lord shook hands.

Kirk noticed the beautiful goddess coming directly towards him. She had a bronze complexion and long silvery-white hair, but that wasn't what caught his attention. Technically speaking, Urd was not naked. From ankle to neck to wrist she was covered with a sparkling mist that changed color every few seconds. The mist concealed nothing. "Not that she has anything to hide," thought Kirk. "Her body is perfect in every way."

"Captain Kirk, I'm Urd," she introduced herself. She extended her hand and Kirk clasped it.

Kirk wasn't used to being approached so boldly by beautiful women. He tried to recover. "Please call me Jim, I'm off duty now. I see that you're a goddess."

"Congratulations, Jim. Most men don't get their eyes up high enough to notice. I'm the Goddess of the Past," she said with a smile.

Kirk's memory kicked in. "You're Terrben's mother and Sensei's wife. He really is keeping the most beautiful goddesses to himself."

"Flatterer! Sensei doesn't 'keep' me, I stay with him of my own free will."

"I see. So, Urd, why did you seek me out?"

"You have a reputation, Jim. I hear that you're quite a ladies' man. Well, I'm quite a lady." Urd inclined her head suggestively as her voice became even more sultry. "Would you like to go someplace private with me for a while?"

It was a tempting offer, but she was Terrben's mother and Sensei's wife. Kirk had a vision of a small but important part of his anatomy turning into a banana. It wouldn't be wise to get either of those gentlemen annoyed at him. What to do?

He smiled appreciatively. "Thanks for the offer, but I'd better decline. After you, any other women I meet would surely be disappointing. However, there is something I'd like you to do with me."

Urd raised an eyebrow. "Fly with me," answered Kirk.

"Now there's an unusual request, but I like it. Okay, Jim, spread your arms and let's make like airplanes."

Kirk and Urd rose into the air to an altitude of about 20 meters. Their fingertips were touching. Jim liked that sensation, and he liked the view too. From up here he could see how the finite party area could me made to look infinite. The music stage, the bartender, the banquet table, the giant robots, and even Kirk and Urd could be seen repeating in a gridlike pattern every 190 meters. The effect was like standing within four facing mirrors, except there were no reversals of direction. It was a beautiful sight.

Kirk had experienced weightlessness before, but this was different--this was really flying, and it was glorious. Kirk couldn't remember ever feeling happier than he felt at that moment. The two of them flew lazily across the room. When they approached the music stage Urd excused herself and flew down to talk to the musicians for a moment. As she rose to rejoin Kirk the musicians began playing a waltz.

"May I have the next dance, Jim?" asked Urd.

"I'd like to, but I don't know how... That's odd, I _do_ know how to waltz. Miss Urd, would you care to join me?"

They danced together in midair for a minute. All Kirk's reservations had fled, and he began to enjoy himself immensely. If he could dance in mid-air with a goddess, then anything was possible. Inspired by their example, some other couples began to drift upwards and join in the dance. Kirk recognized a few of them, but he had to laugh at the sight of two giant robots waltzing ten feet above the floor.

"Mmm, I like having a little 'cheek time,'" purred Urd.

"Urd, you dance divinely," said Kirk, grinning a little at his joke.

"You're very light on your feet, Jim," Urd replied in kind, "Did you know the waltz was once considered a scandalous, indecent dance?"

"Really? Why?"

"Because the partners actually _touched_ each other. Consider the dances that were popular before the waltz was introduced." It seemed only logical that the Goddess of the Past would prefer dances that were popular centuries ago.

When the music ended they drifted down to the floor. "Thanks for lifting me, Urd, that was wonderful."

"I wasn't 'lifting' you Jim, you were flying under your own power. All I did was give you permission."

Kirk was amazed. "Really? How..."

"We're gods, Jim. We write the laws of physics, and we've big erasers too. My sisters and I designed this universe so we could have a spectacular party here. Anything goes here, as long as it's enjoyable."

Kirk, distracted by her mammary endowment, thought, "I knew they were big, but I didn't think they were erasers."

Urd laughed, a delicious sound. "Sensei was right--you're my kind of man, Jim. I enjoyed that very much. I can fly anytime I want to, so I'd forgotten what a thrill it is for a mortal. It was nice seeing you so happy."

Kirk was astonished. "Your husband sent you to me?"

"Why are you surprised? He loves me, so he wants me to be happy. He admires you, so he wants you to be happy too, Jim."

"Anything is possible here," Kirk recalled. Hadn't there been some human cultures where it was considered impolite to refuse when a man offered you his wife for the night? Might he have given offense by declining Urd's invitation? What to do? "Umm, Urd, about your offer..."

Urd cut him off with a finger to her lips. "No apologies, no regrets, Jim. I've enjoyed our time together, and so have you. I will see you again, that's a promise, but right now the one who's captured your heart is waiting for you."

Kirk was confused (again). "The one who's captured your heart?" What did she know that he didn't know? He looked in the direction Urd was pointing.

A muscular man dressed entirely in gray leather was talking to a redheaded woman in a white nurse's uniform, a mulilimbed dragonlike creature, and something that resembled a barrel on legs. Each of them wore a glowing polychromatic lens. Kirk didn't recognize any of them.

"The gray lady in the white gown," prompted Urd.

Kirk spotted her behind the quartet of lensmen. She was indeed a gray lady--her skin was light gray and her hair was the color of pewter. Her white gown had accents of black, and was rather attractive. She was standing quite still and looking at him expectantly. Kirk thought he had never seen her before.

As Kirk approached her he noticed that her slender body hinted at unusual strength. She had the poise of a dancer, or perhaps a gymnast. He was surprised to see that her hair and the irises of her eyes were metallic. Was she an android?

"Hello, James. I was wondering how long it would take you to find me."

Her voice was definitely familiar, but Kirk couldn't place it. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her nametag. It read:

NCC1701  
Enterprise

Now he knew why her voice was familiar--it was the voice of the ship's computer!

"Are you my starship?" he blurted out in surprise.

Enterprise poked him in the chest with a finger and answered, "No, James, but _you_ are _my_ captain. You're 'Captain Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise' after all."

Kirk was at a loss for words. By now he was able to relate to any mortal, god, or demon, but what do you say to a starship in a white evening gown?

She filled the silence. "When Sensei invited everyone on the ship to come to his party he really meant it. I'm the embodiment of the spirit of the Enterprise."

Kirk improvised a response. "Would you like a carrot?"

She laughed. "I'm not that kind of starship, Jim. Cabbits have no place in Starfleet."

"I might as well let her take the initiative," Kirk thought, "I haven't a clue." Aloud: "Well then, what would you like?"

She tilted her head slightly. "Actually, there's something quite simple that I'd really like. Walk with me, Jim."

"?" said Kirk. If cartoonists can put questionmarks in speech balloons then so can I--M.B.

"I've been flying all my life, Jim, usually at warp speed. I've never been on the surface of a planet, I've never been in a room full of people, and I've never had to opportunity, or the equipment, to walk before now. Won't you walk with me, Jim?"

Kirk understood. He had recently made a similar request of Urd. He smiled and replied, "It'll be my pleasure." He took her arm and they began to stroll across the floor. Her delight was evident for all to see.

Enterprise began to gradually increase their pace. "Oh, I see," she exclaimed, "It's a dynamic equilibrium. I'd fall over if I tried to hold this position standing still."

Kirk began to adjust to his novel situation. When they came near the bar, Kirk steered her towards it.

The genial bartender, who always poured a different drink for each patron out of the one and only bottle at the bar, had their drinks waiting for them. Kirk's drink resembled green champagne with a thin head of yellow foam. Kirk didn't know what it was, but it was delicious and mildly intoxicating. He noticed with surprise that her drink glowed slightly and floated two millimeters away from the surface of the glass. A small crystal floated on top.

Enterprise looked pleased. "Mmm, a matter-antimatter cocktail with a dilithium garnish. How thoughtful. Thanks, Dionysus."

"So that's who the bartender is," thought Kirk, "It makes sense."

Enterprise said, "Jim, we've known each other for a while now, and we've been through a lot together. Why are you acting so awkward tonight?"

Kirk flushed. "Sorry, it wasn't intentional, but tonight I'm suffering from a bit of novelty overload."

"You've got novelty overload? Jim, this is my first time ever in a humanoid body. I've got a lot of adapting to do too."

Kirk tried to imagine the situation she was in from her point of view, and realized that he should try harder to make her feel at ease. "You're right, Miss. You and I should be old friends by now, but we've never actually spoken to each other before. Urd said you were 'the one who's captured my heart,' and she was right. You've gotten me out of many a tight spot, and I've never thanked you properly before. I'll try to do better in the future." He smiled warmly.

"Jim, you and Scotty have kept me in tip-top shape and I've never thanked you either. We're even on that score." She smiled warmly in return.

The musicians began to play contemporary dance music. Kirk and Enterprise looked at each other. With a mutual unspoken understanding they returned their glasses to the bartender and moved to the dance floor.

They danced.

* * *

The day after the party, Kirk was in a pleasant reverie. The events of the previous day had been fantastic and unbelievable, but really enjoyable in the end. He would never again be able to think of the Enterprise in quite the same way as he had previously. Best of all, Urd had promised that she'd see him again. He could hardly wait.

Spock observed, "Captain, I've made an interesting discovery. Our ship's records show no trace of our visitors. Even the medical log, which is always kept on unalterable media, has no sign of our guests. The only hard evidence they left behind is one empty popcorn bucket and a recipe for a fruit juice blend in our replicators."

Kirk wasn't surprised. "Spock, have you any idea of the chaos that would result if we had hard evidence of the existence of gods? I think it was considerate of them to cover their trail so carefully."

"Chaos? Oh yes, an emotional reaction. Humans are quite illogical."

* * *

Terrben, the God of Surprises, had a serious problem. Megumi's millionth birthday was less than a year away and the other family members had appointed him to select a suitable birthday present...

* * *

Authors Note:

I would like to thank my prereader, the Goddess of Dropped and Abandoned Small Coins.

The real reason Keiichi hasn't "grown up" in all these years is that it would make his resemblance to Kami-sama more obvious.

I'd like to explain why Ranma and his friends weren't invited to the party. If they didn't fight with each other they would have been completely out of character. If they did fight they would have spoiled the pleasant mood of the party. Some of that crew would have gone around asking the gods and demons to lift their curses. It seemed better to visit them on their own turf and not invite them to the party.

I _love_ writing fantasy fiction--it's so liberating. In what other genre could I have written sentences like:

Every afternoon the five of us gathered in two groups of three while...

The man making love to me in the other room...

Skuld nudged me, pointed to an approaching figure, and asked, "Meg-chan, is that you over there?"

"No, Father, I'm marrying _four_ goddesses."

"If I didn't think you were smart, I'd have left you dead."

Was nothing sacred in Heaven?

...what do you say to a starship in a white evening gown?

M.B. 8/17/99 -- revised slightly 12/3/2006


End file.
